French Pressed Life

This is my house-mate’s French Press, but I use it every day, I’m hooked. In order to get a great cup of coffee, there are steps that I willingly and gladly take. Hands down, there is no comparison between what emerges from the french press and a lesser cup brewed in a maker. By far, better than that ridiculous new little gadget that my friend, Josh, uses. (Josh, I know you know this…. deep down )  Recently, there has been a struggle between myself and the french press. Seemingly, I just want to press too quickly. Inevitably, I spew forth the brown, liquidy goodness all over the counter or worse… all over ME! Breathing, slowly breathing, helps me through the process. For the past two mornings, I’ve had a kickin’, almost perfect cuppa joe… and the key is: don’t rush, breathe, take it slowly, focus, enjoy the few minutes that I just get to stand there, still, and wait… That… is what gives the best results. Rushing just spews what could be good… all over the place, and frustrates the heck out of me… Life is the same way. If I want a great cup of coffee, it takes time… if I want the beauty to emerge… it takes time.

About to Bloom…

I haven’t posted forever. I am beginning to realize how non-present I have been for at least the past year, and yet in many ways much longer than that as well. I feel, however, that I am about to bloom, blossom into the woman I have always wanted to be. I look at this picture of a cyclamen on my front porch that is just about to bloom and it resonates with me. Today was a day filled with beauty, and then class tonight hurt so badly I just needed to scream. I bet it’s painful to be birthed from a seed to a sprout, to leaves and eventually a flower. I am feeling that pain and at the same time, I know there is beauty about to be birthed forth. It is not a beauty I am unfamiliar with, because it is a part of me. It’s just been buried for so long. I wonder what color flower I will be, what shape, what form, what intensity… as portions of me open up that have been a long time hidden or uncared for, I experience a breath of fresh air, and pain right alongside the breath. I’m angry, I’m sad, I love, I hate, I rejoice and I scream, I dance, I sing and somedays I don’t know what to do… but it feels good to get to know myself without all the masks. I’m learning to breathe and sit with all of me, not just the happy parts.

A Brief Reprieve

Over Thanksgiving week, I got to co-lead a team from my previous church: Pathways on a servant project to Tacna, Peru. We were able to help a few families by building a house, pouring a foundation for another house, and general clean-up. We were also able to spend time with the people, which is always my favorite part of a trip like this. Jeremy (pictured above) is a young boy with a lot of pre-mature family responsibility. His father is no longer living, and his mother just recently lost her second husband to death from a strange accident. Jeremy has three younger siblings that he helps care for, so is no longer able to go to school, at his young age of eleven. The stress of adult responsibility is evident on his child-face. He is living adulthood way before his time, at the loss of his childhood. One day, he brought out a deck of cards and was just sitting there, while his little sister was napping. I went over and we ended up playing cards. I taught him a few tricks, and we mostly played “go-fish”, “war”, and “slap-jack”. The smile on his face was priceless. It was a brief reprieve for him, from his normal responsibilities, a bit of childhood allowed to reign for a few moments. As I left towards the end of the week, I said goodbye to Jeremy as he was in a circle with his siblings and a few friends… playing go-fish. It didn’t change his life, but it brought a bit of childhood back to his reality.

None of us can ever choose how or where we enter this world, but we can share a bit of love along the way.

Things Remembered

Going about life, day by day… sometimes we forget the important little things that actually make a big difference… Here are a few things I remembered today:

• Things aren’t always what they seem to be.
• It’s usually the right thing to do when you feel it in your gut.
• People do care, if you give them a chance.
• You’re not allowed to eat on the bus.
• It’s good to remember.
• Courage and Strength.

Tomorrow is a new day, full of freedom.

“Living Unloved… Not Something I Want For You..”

I’m reading this book The Shack, by William P. Young. The following section of quotes has spoken to me deeply recently as I think about the handful of people in my life that choose to live without love: Either because they don’t know how to receive it, or they are still struggling to understand it more fully. It makes me sad and makes me want to love each one more unconditionally. I want everyone to be able to fly.

My friend, Alex, just took his own life yesterday. His memory will not quickly fade from my heart. His life will challenge me to love more unconditionally and sit with others unconditionally for the rest of my life. I am so sorry he’s gone. I am sorry that he felt that this was his only choice. I miss him.

Here are some quotes from the book… A conversation between the main character and God…

Mack: “I feel totally lost”…

God: “Then let’s see if we can find you in this mess.”… “Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around… You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.”

God: “Living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you.”

God: “Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly… And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.”

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Me:   I pray that my life can be the kind of sacrifice needed for others to know, to see and to receive the fact that they were created to be loved… and to fly… God, let it be.